I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
