Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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