Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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