Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
