Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
