you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
