are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
