Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
