did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
