He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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