omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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