He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
my poor anus
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
All I want is dick and wine.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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