Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
