my phone needs a breathalizer
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
