I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
