I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
