I never want to see another naked old woman again.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
