there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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