I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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