you turned your livingroom into a bong?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
ttyl tear gas
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
