How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
