I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
