oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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