I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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