every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
