If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
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