He had one of those small greek statue penises
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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