my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
