my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
