i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
