we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
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