She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
