6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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