i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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