I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
