Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize