he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
