I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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