I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Randomize
