wanna go halves on a baby?
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Randomize
