The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize