At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
