I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
