Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
