I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
