She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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