I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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