OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I need water and some morals
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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