Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
