is your mom at the bar?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
