so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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