Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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