I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
