Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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