eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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