i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
