My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
