i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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