Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
