Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
