yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
