I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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